i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
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