dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
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