May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Randomize
