You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
