A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! I saw hookers! Live in the flesh!
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
He was telling me how he was trying to grow up. And then 2 minutes later, he told me he was tripping on lsd for the first time.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
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