I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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