There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
I put my bosses number in my phone as "Do not call," I shouldve known my drunk curiosity would overcome any desire I had to keep my job.
again?
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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