sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
