he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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