Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
It's like she can't drink without using a flambongo
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
