Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
