hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
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