My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
When I die I just want my headstone to my name, date of birth-death, and TEQUILA!!
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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