I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
& he told me that I give the best head ever.. like can I get that on a medal?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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