Milquetoast, coolest word ever.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize
