Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
I know her cup size but not her name....
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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