it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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