Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I love that my brother has just convinced my dad that smoking a blunt it an "unspoken family tradition"
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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