i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
