If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
I still have a little drunk in my system
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Girl just left one of the apts upstairs carrying a giant bottle of kahlula and a lunchable.... I feel like we could be friends
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
