I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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