I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
Randomize
