You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
FUCK WHALES
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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