i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Forget Covid themed costumes. I need one that attracts a quality penis
preferably one with a six figure job and a boat
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