ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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