she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
No, he attached a coozie to his crutches so he can carry his beer around the party.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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