My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
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