Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
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