His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
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