Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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