I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
No more Irish car bombs ever.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
Randomize
