Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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