i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR YOU TO SHUT THE FUCK UP FOR ONCE
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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