I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
I used his computer to order the pizza and the only thing he had in his search bar was 'text NASA'
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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