So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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