Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
My bed is full of blood and feathers
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
