Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
Ive yelled into your vagina. There are few lines we haven't crossed at this point.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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