I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
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