Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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