This dress was meant to end up on your floor
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
