ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Randomize
