At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
Randomize
