Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
i'm reaslly not drunk enough to wtch the fat lesbian on my floor brng another fat lesbian dressed up as a bloody nurse into her room at 2am
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
i am an animal i am literally locking myself in my house and not coming out for a week i don't deserve to be in public
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
