I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Randomize
