I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
Someone shattered a urinal.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
Randomize
