sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
