She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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