forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
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