Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
