Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
