I didn't shave. On purpose
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
