Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
